Lately I've found myself falling for a guy. Supposably he's straight, but rumor has it that he may play as a quarterback for both teams. I've been thinking about him nonstop, imagining that he's the one that I'm having sex with whenever I have sex and thinking that every gesture from him is a hint that he's into me. Some of these gestures are pretty out there which would be probable cause for anyone to think that there's more to it than this blossoming friendship, but I don't know how this would work either way. I love the attention. What else can I say? I do sometimes put myself out there to say "hey come and get it", but I try my best to play it cool. Whenever he flirts I flirt back. Whenever I see him walking I get in front of him and walk slow to make sure he notices and if he's on the phone or something I make sure I amwalking slow enough so I am still there when he gets done so he can yell for me. I'm done though. I'm going to try to not try to get his attention. This is me leaving it alone and trying to keep this situation strictly at friendship level. If I was to pursue this it would be like playing Russian Roulette with a loaded gun with the only chances of someone winning is that one of the shells happen to be blank. I'm not going to set myself up for something that I can prevent. If it is to happen I'll let him do it on his own time in his own way that is clear to me that the feeling that I have is mutual between the 2 of us.
I'm Putting Myself Out There :/
I'm prepared for the hurt and the consequences of going after what I want. If I get hurt I get hurt. I will go after all that I believe is worth it. As long as there's a possibility or a chance of a positive outcome then I'll be out there fighting til the end until I just cant go on fighting.
Lately I've been feeling very depressed. Thinking that I'm nothing at all. Not worth anything to anyone. I hate to say it but It's almost gone back to struggles that I had as a child where the only love that I really knew was that connection that you have with someone during sex. I've been strong enough to keep myself from sinking back into those dreadful habits but I don't know how much longer I can go without having someone in my life. Being single is fine with me and has been for three years but being single this long has taken it's toll.
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